The parenting conspiracy

Posted by Tara in Parenting, Personal

Someone asked me recently if I was blogging my parenting tips and that reminded me of two things: I have a blog and I said I would start mommyblogging. Turns out that running around after our kid takes up most of my time, but I do think it’s worth doing this because at some point we’ll have a second kid and I won’t remember any of this so I would like a record, even just for myself. So… on with the show.

As you may have guessed from the name of this post, I believe there’s a grand conspiracy happening in the parenting world. I discovered it after Tessa was born and now I even take part in it. If you have kids, I’d bet real money you’ve done it at some point too. I’m talking about the pervasive notion that parenting a baby is amazing.

Yes, I love my daughter but…

Parenting my daughter really is amazing. But a more accurate way to say that would be that for me, now that the colic is over and Tessa isn’t a newborn anymore, being a parent is amazing except when she’s teething, screaming, overtired, exploding out of her diaper, or biting and/or scratching while nursing. She’s a happy, curious kid who’s currently in a great stage where’s she’s figuring out her body and exploring the world around her. She’s silly and funny and we’re both highstanding members of our mutual admiration society. But for those first few months? She was awful.

Colic sucks

Our colicky wee one

I didn’t realize Tessa had colic until she was a little over two months old. The first week of her life, she was lovely and cuddly and sleepy because she was recovering from being born, and it was only a couple more weeks before my mom came out from Ontario to help us out. After another few weeks, my dad and brothers came for the holidays so we had plenty of help and I was able to get reasonable amounts of sleep, even if some of it happened during the day. But two weeks after she left? Everything started to fall apart and I was stuck at home for days in the middle of a cold snap with a baby who screamed for several hours a day.

We tried everything we could think of except the chiropractor: gripe water, Ovol, cycling her legs, massage, skin-to-skin nursing, and probiotics. After three straight weeks I was falling apart. I cried with my baby and felt like I was a bad person because I didn’t enjoy being a parent. Aren’t babies supposed to be wonderful? Doesn’t everyone love parenting babies? I knew toddlers and teens weren’t fun, but everyone always looks so happy with their baby.

I’m not the only one

Finally one day I was able to turn to my husband and say “I’m not okay.” And once I said it to him, it got easier to say it to others. My mom flew back out here to help me for another six weeks and when I mentioned it on Facebook, I was overwhelmed by the encouragement I received both publicly and privately. I quickly learned that I wasn’t the only person who had a terrible time with their newborn, and that’s when I learned two things:

  1. As hard as it is to admit I have a problem and ask for help, it’s always, ALWAYS the best thing I can do. It’s far stronger, better and more responsible for me to ask for and receive the help that I need than it is to think I need to do everything on my own. It makes me a better person, wife and mother, and in the months since then our little family unit has only ever benefited from that decision. I firmly believe this is why I didn’t end up with full-blown post-partum depression.
  2. It’s okay not to enjoy parenting a newborn. Newborns cry and wake up every two hours and you may have nursing issues and you’ll worry because you think they’re pooping too much or not enough. You may not love your baby right away, and that’s okay too. You’ll be exhausted and hormonal, and really, you’re learning how to deal with a complete stranger who can’t communicate except by crying. It’s not a fun time and you’re learning a whole new role.

You’re not alone and you can do this

If you’ve won the life lottery and managed to have the mythical easygoing newborn, congratulations! I can’t relate to you and I am a little envious. But for everyone else like me, I just want to be the first to say I understand. You’re not a bad parent, and you’re not a bad person. The first few months can be excruciatingly difficult, especially with your first child when you don’t know any better. But millions of people do it all the time, and so can you. You will look back at that time and have wisdom to share.

I promise it gets better. Just look at us now.

Me and my now-happy girl

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  1. lacey

    Great post! And so true. Moira wasn’t colicky, and I still found/find parenting a baby challenging. Everyone says “Enjoy it! It goes by so fast!”. Difficult advice to hear when you are exhausted and frustrated that your baby isn’t sleeping like everyone else’s babies appear to be. It took me several weeks to begin to enjoy my child – and that’s ok! And we should talk about the downs as well as the ups. Motherhood is awesome and scary all at once!

  2. Mary

    Really good. I was one of those colicky babies and I was sure I would have some of my own. Fortunately (probably due to my husband’s genes) I have been blessed with the opposite. :)

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